Everybody Has A Bottom Line

When discussing the delicate matter of relationships, be it friendships, family or love, there is always a difficulty in finding that frangible balance between loving each other, and being able to come into discord without crossing an invisible line that each one of us constructs. This line avows our absolute end point to which we will soberly allow ourselves to be treated. Hopefully, if you have the right people in your life, they will never see your bottom line, in which case this is irrelevant. But unfortunately, we do not always attract the right people in our lives. Or, sometimes we do, but they still cross that line, through an infinite number of variables; complacency, taking one for granted, anger, jealousy - the list goes on. However, it is important that one learns, at some point, to establish a line so firm, a line so palpably impregnable, that no type of love, addiction, affection, obligation or devotion can withstand the abasement of said line. Nothing, and nobody is worth the compromise of your own self respect. It's easily said on paper, but the reason why many people find it difficult to cull judiciously, is that we often delude ourselves. We create an invisible line but then continue to move the goal post further and further back to keep certain people in our lives. Purely because we just can not bare to live without them. But anybody who has experienced this will tell you, point blank, that ultimately it just isn't worth it. You can fight to keep somebody there, but if its at your own expense, then ultimately what you're gaining from somebody else's presence is what you are missing in yourself. Security. Reassurance. A need to fill a void. And without our own emotional security you do not have the strength to retain love in any capacity. 

It is absolutely imperative that you reach a point some day in your life, that you categorically do not care what other people think about you, because you, and the people who matter, know exactly who you are. In doing this, you will let go of the need to keep everybody happy by depicting a certain type of personality or image, be it coming across as forgiving, humble or kind. You will then have the strength to walk away from a situation that disservices you, without a second thought about how it might be perceived by the recipient (or others). Ultimately, it does not matter how you "look" by choosing to respect yourself. It does not matter if you have 1000 friends or 0 out of it, the only thing that matters is that one can maintain and sustain an admissible level of respect for oneself, by any means possible. Because if you do not have that, you have absolutely nothing. All that you have is your soul. Guard it. In doing so, you can attain that inner strength, clarity and honour, that will ensure there will be nothing and nobody who can impeach upon that. It is better to be alone than to surround yourself with people that do not hold your presence in their lives in any type of regard.

At this point, i've heard one too many stories of people telling me about other people that have treated them atrociously, that have demonstrated excess levels of insolence and/or flippancy, and overall made a mockery of their kindness. I ask them, "why don't you cut this person out of your life?" most of the time, i can see that their reason for not doing so is not to appear a certain type of way. I don't want to appear like the "stubborn one" or the "bad one" or the "negative one." I want to "look good" out of this situation. I want to be the "bigger person." The 'bigger person' is a trick your ego is playing on you to allow you to believe you are prospering in a negative environment. It isn't possible. A lot of the time, people's reasons are as peripheral as simply not wanting to look like someone who doesn't have friends. Your integrity holds more stature than any number of friends can boast. Trying to look good in a situation where you are being disrespected is like trying to nourish your hair by bleaching it. It's a complete contradiction. What's more, you are undermining your integrity, because if you know that the right thing to do is to expel a person from your life, but you are retaining them based on an facade or formality, you are not cleaving to your intuition. 

Finding your "bottom line" and adhering to it by all means necessary is, in my opinion, one of the ultimate signs of maturity and tenacity. It is the dissolution from the ego. The ego is something that is bestowed to us from early childhood. It is initially manifested as the libido. We deflect our desires on to animate and inanimate objects, and the loss of these things result in pain and turmoil. Until we can find the next object to deflect our desires upon. Unfortunately, our egos are not forfeited in adulthood, and there is no expiration date on it. WE have to make the choice to actively expire it. The point at which you find your "bottom line", which can not be impugned by a single soul, and you MAINTAIN the strict quarantine of that region, this is when, in my opinion, one reaches emotional maturity - free of the ego. Because the ego tells us that we must be loved and we must be needed and accepted by society, and our emotions and love must be reciprocated and conducive to societal archetypes, otherwise we don't feel good. The ego is lying, you don't need love and emotion from a person that is disrespecting you. Once you can shut the ego up, not care about approbative opinions from everyone you meet, you can begin the culling process and the maintenance of your own space, your own person and your own self respect. If you can respect yourself, you will be respected by everybody. You may not have too many people in your life that you can call your "best friends", but that in itself is an unsustainable lifestyle. In the short term, it is difficult to put your foot down at times, but in the long run, you would be doing yourself a grave disservice if you didn't. 

Not only must you have a bottom line, you must also make sure people are AWARE of your bottom line. You can not spend your life letting people leisurely walk all over you, then suddenly chuck up your deuces in a blaze of glory. It does not work like that. If you want respect, you must also give it. It is vital that you make your bottom line clear from the get go. "This is what I am absolutely NOT willing to tolerate." And that's that. If a person respects you, they will respect your line. But it is certainly unfair to chastise a person for crossing your line if you have never made it clear to them exactly where that line inheres. It is also a regression to infancy. A child can not make clear what hurts him/or her, they can only act out when hurt. If you let a person you love maltreat you for so long, and then abruptly discard them, that means you have started in pain, you have travelled in pain and you have adjourned in pain. As though you never cared to honour yourself with a happy medium. When a friendship or love affair ends, it is in your best interest to be able to look back without regrets, and doing so constitutes making sure you have elucidated what you consider to be acceptable treatment. It's when you have made your boundaries clear, and given a person multiple opportunities for redemption and they continue to disrespect you, then you just have to call it a day. You can not save a person and you can not change a person. When the time is right for them to grow, they will do so accordingly. That is not something anybody else can enforce, be it with words or actions. Antecedent to their rehabilitation, it is ultimately time to step away from that person. Sometimes, words do not suffice. Sometimes, the best way a person can learn a life lesson is by losing something that they love. Lord knows, it is a wake up call. 

There are people who may want to test your strength of character, and thus burgeon a desire to cavort in the immediacy of your threshold. This is the time to raise the amber light. It's like a game of hot and cold. You can't let people live in the antarctic forever, speak facetiously of the 'warm areas' they're approaching, and then suddenly set them alight. Be clear on your principles. There are also times when people will accidentally cross your line. How does one react in that scenario? Well, I personally believe that this is arbitrary and is predicated on the type of character you possess. Personally, i am a strong advocate of forgiveness. I believe it is a mark of strength, being secure  in yourself and the abolition of your ego, enough that you can receive a pounding and bounce back carefree. If you cling onto your ego too tightly, you will harbour antipathy and exhibit pessimism to anybody or anything that hurts you or bruises your callow ego. So, personally, i would give somebody a second chance for 'accidentally' crossing my line. But after that, there would be no chances. You can only give people so many chances, until it reaches a point that you're sacrificing your own self-respect. Everybody has a bottom line.

Find your circle, protect it and keep it. If it boils down to your circle being 1 person, then so be it. Too many people tolerate bullshit to stay popular. That kind of lifestyle will ultimately scorn you through and through. But i think it's necessary to mention that i do not advocate removing a person from your life as a common or 'go-to' tactic. I, of course, only refer to severe cases of maltreatment. Remember that the bottom line is the BOTTOM line. Not the mean line, or the median line, or the average of all accounts line. In general cases, i always support and promote the practice of cordiality. Everybody makes mistakes. We are only human, after all. I definitely do not encourage one to be too precious, in that no criticism can be received without dramatic overturn. That can be construed as bratty and egotistical behaviour. Again, the importance lies in finding exactly where your personal line is located. Do not accuse everybody of crossing it, who tread 10 feet above it.

I often see a lot of 'line-crossing' occur in people trying to forge a respect that isn't there. A woman should never have to convince or 'ensure' that her partner doesn't cheat on her. And vice versa. They shouldn't WANT to cheat on you, without you having to say a word or forming trust issues and probing questions. If the desire to cheat is there, then there is an undercurrent of dissatisfaction. If you are not enough, then there is simply nothing more to add apart from the fact that it is time to move on. You can not 'become' enough for somebody through coercion or pretence. You should be 'enough' for anybody who has the desire to claim you. You can avouch your own reverence in these dimensions without having to force or imply the manner in which you deserve to be treated. You've elucidated your bottom line, after which, it is not your duty to consistently reinforce its juxtaposition. 

It's important to add that disrespect is not only what people do TO you, it's also what people do not do FOR you. And i'm not encouraging one to develop a sense of entitlement here (see earlier blog), I just mean that there is reciprocity in every type of relationship, and negligence is one of the biggest forms of disrespect and the cause of many break ups. Disrespect can be considered in many forms, but ultimately it boils down to this, if you are doing or giving somebody something that they are not returning - you are being disrespected. Point blank. You have no obligations to engage in something which exhibits no reciprocity or amasses no mutual benefits. It is easy to take people for granted, and if you do, you are violating their personal boundaries. They may not yet have developed a keen sense of their bottom line, because they are blinded by love or a sense of obligation, or simply that they are just growing up. But when the rose tinted glasses wear off (which they always do) you have to pray there is something concrete behind the smoke screen, because people might tolerate disregard for a matter of time, but EVERYBODY has a breaking point. 

It is easy to keep forgiving a person for the same mistakes through complacency. It is always difficult to break a cycle that has formed a habit. An addictive habit. But at some point, you have to respect yourself enough to draw that line. Unwaveringly. Sometimes enough is enough, and you know, deep down, when you've had enough. 

Everybody has a bottom line. Decide where it lies, and never let a single person impeach on that.